Rodney Dangerfield Jokes

Good crowd..good crowd.
I'm telling you I could use a good crowd.
I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape.. you know.

Why? I looked up my family tree and
found out I was the sap.
I come from a stupid family. During
the civil war my great uncle fought
for the west!
My father was stupid. He worked in a
bank and they caught him stealing
When I was born..the doctor came out
to the waiting room and said to my
father.. "I'm very sorry. We did
everything we could..but he pulled
My mother had morning sickness after
I was born.
My mother never breast fed me. She
told me that she only liked me as a
My father carries around the picture
of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I played in the sandbox the cat
kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated
me. My bath toys were a toaster and
a radio.
Some dog I got too. We call him
Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in
every room.
What a dog I got. His favorite bone
is in my arm!
I worked in pet store and people
kept asking how big I'd get.
One year they wanted to make me
poster boy.. for birth control.
I remember the time I was kidnapped
and they sent back a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he
wanted more proof!
My uncle's dying wish was to have me
sitting on his lap. He was in the
electric chair.
I went to a phreak show and they let
me in for nothing.
I stuck my head out the window and
got arrested for mooning!
Once when I was lost.. I saw a
policeman and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him.."Do
you think we'll ever find them." He
said.."I don't know kid.. there are
so many places they can hide."
I remember I was so depressed I was
going to jump out a window on the
tenth floor.. so they sent a priest
up to talk to me. He said.."On your
On Halloween..the parents send their
kids out looking like me.
Last year.. one kid tried to rip my
face off!
Now it's different.. when I answer
the door the kids hand me candy.
When my old man wanted sex.. my
mother would show him a picture of
I had a lot of pimples too. One day
I fell asleep in a library. I woke
up and a blind man was reading my
My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next tuesday.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked
the bellhop to handle my bag. He
felt up my wife!
It's tough to stay married. My wife
kisses the dog on the lips..yet she
won't drink from my glass!
Last week my tie caught on fire.
Some guy tried to put it out with an
For two hours..some guy followed me
around with a pooper scooper.
I met the surgeon general. He
offered me a cigarette!
This morning when I put on my under
wear I could hear the Fruit of the
Loom guys laughing at me.
A travel agent offered me a 21 day
special. He told me I would fly
from New York to London. Then from
Tokyo back to New York.I asked him..
"How am I supposed to get from
London to Tokyo?" He told me.."That
is why we give you 21 days."
Another travel agent told me I could
spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days..
just nights.
My problem is that I appeal to
everyone that can do me absolutly no
They say.."Love thy neighbor as thy
self." What am I supposed to do?
Jerk him off too?
At christmas time I sat on santa's
lap. His fly was open. Boy..what a
present he gave me!
My sex life is terrible. My wife put
a mirror over the dogs bed.
Actually she did put the mirror over
our bed. She says she likes to watch
herself laugh.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a
peeping tom booing me.
My wife only has sex with me for a
purpose. Last night she used me to
time an egg.
I asked my wife if she would put out
the garbage. She said.."Why should
I.. you never put out for me."
I asked her if she enjoys a
cigarette after sex.She said.."No..
one drag is enough."
I got myself good this morning too.
I did my push ups in the nude..but I
didn't see the mouse trap.
A girl phoned me and said.."Come on
over there's nobody home." I went
over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a
I went to message parlor. It was
self service.
My only thrill is self inflicted
If it weren't for pick-pocketers i'd
have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and
she started crying. I said.."Are you
going to hate yourself in the
morning?" She said.. "No.. I hate
myself now."
She was no bargain either. She
showed up with pigtails under her
She was fat and ugly. She was so fat
- She got on the scale and a card
came out saying.. "One at a time."
- Her bath tub has stretch marks.
- Her belly button makes an echo.
- She has her own postal code.
- She wears a "CROSS YOUR THIGHS"
- She has a dress with a sign on
the back saying.. "Caution wide
- Her clothes are made by Omar the
tent maker.
- When guys have sex with her they
ask for directions.
- One day I ran into her with my
car. She asked me why I didn't
ride around her. I told her that
I didn't think I had enough gas.
- Her bikini is made out of two bed
- When guys eat her out they ask for
provisions for the trip.
- Her mother ripped when she had
- She uses a septic tank for a
She was so ugly that...
- She was known as a two bagger.
That's when a girl is so ugly that
you put a bag over your head in
case the bag over her head breaks.
- I bent down to pet her cat only
to find that it was the hair on
her legs.
- I took her to a dog show and she
won first prize.
- They use her in prisons to cure
sex offenders.
- I took her to the top of the
Empire State building and planes
started to attack her.
- She looks like she came second in
a hatchet fight!
- The last time I saw a mouth like
hers it had a hook on the end of
- She has a face like a saint. A
saint bernard!
I was tired one night and I went to
the bar to have a few drinks. The
bartender asked me.. "What'll you
have?" I said.."surprise me." He
showed me a naked picture of my
During sex my wife always wants to
talk to me. Just the other night she
called me from a hotel.
My marriage is on the rocks again. wife just broke up with her
One I came home early from
work..I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said to the guy.."Hey buddy..why are
you doing that for?" He said..
"Because you came home early."
I went to look for a used car. I
found my wife's dress in the back
Once in a restuarant I made a toast
to her.."The best woman a man ever
had." The waiter joined me.
Its been a rough day. I got up this
morning..put on a shirt and a button
fell off. I picked up my briefcase
and the handle came off. I'm afraid
to go to the bathroom!
I had a problem. I tried group sex.
Now I have a new problem...I don't
know who to thank!
My friends and I played a new
version of Russian roulette. We
passed around six girls and one of
them had VD.
I went to see my doctor.. you know
him.. Doctor Vidi-boom-ba? Yeah..I
told him once.. "Doctor.. every
morning when I get up and look in
the mirror..I feel like throwing up;
what's wrong with me?" He said.."I
don't know but your eyesight is
I remember when I swallowed a bottle
of sleeping pills. He told me to
have a few drinks and get some rest.
I told him I think my wife has VD.
He gave himself a shot of
I told my dentist my teeth are going
yellow. He told me to wear a brown
He found a new way to cover up his
bad breath...he holds up his arms.
Why every time he smokes..he blows
onion rings.
My physchiatrist told me I'm going
crazy. I told him.. "If you don't
mind I'd like a second opion. "He
said.."'re ugly too."
I was so mother used to
feed me with a sling shot!
When I was born the doctor took one
look at my face...turned me over and
said.. "Look...twins!"
And we were poor too. Why if I
wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing
to play with!